Should you?

Do you find yourself telling yourself or others you/they "should" do this, or should have done that...? I know I have.

I have used it as a parent, a wife, on myself and... even as a therapist (know better, do better)

Some common examples of how this gets used

I should make more time for...

I should exercise more

I should be better at this by now

I should have seen that coming

Why this can be problematic

Problem with these types of statements is that it is not supportive and suggests failure, which in turn can create a sense of shame, guilt and/or other related negative feelings.

Guilt and shame are not motivators towards positive change

Guilt and shame that comes from the word "should" can zap motivation, lead to further problematic/avoidant behaviour.

When we use the word "should" it can lead to feelings of regret about things we did or didn't do, that did (or didn’t) happen

(For example "I should have been more healthy, then I wouldn't have this illness)

No amount of shaming our past choices can change anything that is in our past.

We can learn from, and move forward to the next chapter.

Using the word "should" about something we think/believe we ought to be doing, or how we "should" be feeling can often lead to feelings of shame

When we use the word should, it reminds us that we’re not doing enough or are not good enough.

Please know that over time, the effect of small changes can have a big impact!

For example, the way we talk to ourselves and others, can adjust our view of self, and change how others relate to us.

Stay present

Fact is we have no control over what has happened in the past, and little control over what will happen in the future.

Continue to (or begin to) set goals for yourself

evaluate and re-evaluate your expectations for yourself and for others

Remind yourself its ok to have emotions, even ones that don't feel positive

It is completely ok to experience a spectrum of feelings.

Just because we feel a certain way about something, doesn't mean we "should" have done things differently.

Consider adding mindfulness practices daily to allow time/space to observe and identify feelings, when we do this, it is more likely we can learn something from our experience, and perhaps make positive change moving forward

Using words that suggest acceptance, kindness and support, instead of pressure or judgment can improve our sense of self worth, and change how others perceive us.

This works for how we speak (internally) to ourselves, as well as how we address others

An example in action:

I should be eating better

I would like to start eating better. I am going to find one healthy meal to make this week, I would like to do more, but this is a good start.

When offering advice (which should always be solicited!!) framing it in a way that gives the listener the impression that it is ok to not take it

You should eat better

Would you like me to tell you about how I was able to implement healthier meals in my routine?

I hope you find the above helpful!

If you find this topic resonates with you and would like additional support; working one to one with a counselling therapist may be helpful

I offer lower cost therapy sessions for those who have difficulty with the high cost of many therapy options.

Please feel free to email me anytime, or use my booking page to set up a no cost 15 minute consultation.